Do unrealistic parental expectations limit children's freedom?

This is a speech I wrote and read out in our school's public speaking competition.

The reactions and motivations of parents vary quite widely when a child is born. Some meet their child with a feeling of ecstatic joy and fulfilment... and others may be slightly lacking in... said joy. But nonetheless all parents have from that moment, a basis of how they want their child’s life to turn out. Most start and end with ‘I want them to be happy’. However, some parents go beyond that and may begin to form an idealised and unrealistic vision of exactly how they want their child’s life to go: from the grades they achieve to the place of their marriage. My speech is going to be focusing on those types of parents, and the consequences of the corrosive expectations that they put on their children. I will talk about the limiting nature of these expectations, the mental toll that this can take on a child, and the lapses of good judgement that come from parenting in this way, as well as what parents and children can do about this.

To begin with, let me establish the point that parental expectations can be very limiting to a child’s own aspirations. I am not saying that expectations in general are bad; after all (as studies by Martin Pinquart, a professor for ‘Developmental Psychology’ at Philipps University shows) there is evidence of a reciprocal and reinforcing relationship between parents' expectations and their children's academic achievements. However, there must be a line that should not be crossed. Imagine a life where you are forced to obey the every whim of your parent: the high expectations they set, the shackles on your feet; and the feeling of despair when you can’t meet them, the devastating blow. That is unfortunately the life of many children and teens forced under the weight of heavy parental expectations. These expectations do nothing but limit the innovative freedom and intrinsic interests that we have been born with. Many of the parents who administer such expectations often follow a parental style known as ‘authoritarian parenting’. Authoritarian parenting is, as the name suggests, a system of control in which children are expected to obey their parents with no discussion or compromise. Research shows that children living under this parenting style, likely grow up to conform to a life that may seem perfect to their parents or society but leave them feeling unhappy or incomplete on the inside. The truth is that living another person’s dreams and expectations can never give true satisfaction.

Furthermore, a heavy consequence of these expectations are the mental health issues that come with them. With the overwhelming statistics that show the correlations between high parental expectations and perfectionism, it can almost be assumed that they come as a bundle.

Buy one, get one free.

Except no child asks for the overwhelming burdens put on them, and the baggage it comes with is almost never without a price. According to lead researcher, Dr Thomas Curran, “Perfectionism contributes to many psychological conditions, including depression, anxiety, self-harm and eating disorders.” A recent questionnaire I conducted on my fellow year 10 students had 20 participants. Of all of them, 80% admitted to feeling that their parents had exceedingly high expectations for them. Of those, 79% felt stressed or anxious from them, 68.5% felt they were unrealistic, and 68.4% felt like their freedom was being limited.

Can you hear these staggering statistics? Can you hear me now? These expectations are imprisoning and suffocating. As quoted from one of the students from my questionnaire: ‘Most of us are going to have burn outs very soon’.

This connects us to my next issue: the root of these expectations and the logical problems with having them. No matter where you look, studies will show that unrealistic and burdensome expectations will always do more harm than good. Why then, do so many parents fall trap to the spiral of harming their children with seemingly harmless expectations? Well let me share with you a story: A girl had grown up in a home, living under a burden that she could never lift. Her parents wished only the best for her, they would say, yet time and time again they would put her down for not reaching their perfect standards. ‘You got a 7? Why not a 9?’ ‘You came 2nd, why not 1st?’ ‘Oh, you achieved 99%, what about that extra 1%?’ They constantly derogated her achievements, and she came to realise that if she wanted the approval of her parents, she would have to go above and beyond what even she thought she could achieve. She grew into adulthood with these same visceral inclinations of perfection and overachieving, and she ended up putting the same expectations her parents put on her unto her children. Sound familiar? It’s a vicious cycle. The cycle is unlikely to end unless the child breaks free from the painful expectations thrust upon them, or eventually breaks down under the burden. But why must we be the one to break it?

To make matters worse, the impractical nature of these expectations extend even unto adulthood. A society where grades matter more than individual talent, I have yet to see exist. According to the ‘Jobvite Recruiter Nation Report of 2016’, 67% of recruiters looked for job experience and skills on resumes, such as the ability to adapt, compared to only 19% that looked for GPA scores. Do you see the numbers? We live in a constantly moving society, with constantly changing targets and constant unforeseeable hurdles. In this society, there is no such thing as an A* or 100%. Children must be taught to adapt, persevere and communicate if they are to thrive in this world; not to overwork themselves to the point of faux perfection in a desperate plea to please and obey. All parents must know that over pushing for perfection is not realistic and it does nothing but harm. No individual can be denoted as perfect or unequivocally without fault. The complexity of our nature as well as the unpredictability of our situational stimuli prohibit us from ever being able to achieve true perfection. So why then, do we constantly search for something that simply doesn’t exist?

So, the final question presents itself, how do we break free from this cycle? What can we, as children, and adults do? Unfortunately, the choices that children have in this situation are quite limited. Afterall, no child chooses the parents that they’re given. However, there are things that we can do. We, as children, can talk. Share our experiences, share our feelings. Often, we are not as isolated in this as we think. And adults and caregivers, I implore you, appreciate the flaws and frailties of your children. Appreciate their individualism. Remember, no matter how much you try, or how adamantly the little ‘mini-me' shirts would argue, your children are not you. It is not impossible to support and love them unconditionally whilst accepting this fact. It is not impossible to push and encourage them on their own paths without forcing them unto yours.

And again, I must emphasise, as I reach the concluding stages of this speech, that expectations in and of itself are not a bad thing. They are a healthy part of human life and should be used to encourage. However, when excessively and unhealthily given, they can be deadly weapon that cage children from the freedom that they rightfully possess. ‘Perfect children’ will not be perfect into adulthood; and overachievers must fail sometimes. So, I appeal to you, parents of our current generation and future parents of the new, let your children be. Let them breathe. And remember, your children are not you.